Posted by: successforrealpeople | September 24, 2008

Finding Your Soul Mate

There are so many people out there looking for love.  The number of online dating services is proof of that.  So how do we find Mr. or Mrs. Right?  Finding the right partner first begins in your mind.  Let me explain.

I had met my husband when I was 19 and at first glance he appeared to be everything that I was looking for in a man.  He was handsome, he was a hard worker, and he seemed to know where he was going in life.  I feel head over heels in love with him and four years later we were married.  Now a funny thing can happen to us when we fall in love, our vision can get skewed and our brain sometimes forgets to work.

There were signs early on that should have caused me concern.  But hey, doesn’t love conquer all?  Or so I thought.  I spent twelve lonely and unhappy years with this man.  His first priority had always been himself, not his family.  I never felt loved or respected.  But we had children and I wanted to keep my family together.  Unfortunately, relationships can’t last on principle alone and I finally divorced him.

It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and I was determined to never be so blinded by love that I would end up in another relationship that wasn’t right for me.  So this is what I did.  Once some of the emotions settled, I made an A-list and a B-list of the traits and qualities that I would want in a man.  The A-list was the must-haves and the B-list were bonus traits.  This is basically what my lists looked like:

The A-List

  1. He respects me.
  2. He accepts me for who I am.
  3. I can tell him anything and everything.
  4. Our relationship is a high priority for him.
  5. He believes in God.
  6. He is honest, dependable, and faithful.
  7. He makes me laugh often.
  8. He shares his thoughts and dreams with me.
  9. He is kind and gentle.
  10. He likes to cuddle.

The B-List

  1. He is a good singer.
  2. He likes to travel.
  3. He dances with me outside in the rain.
  4. He holds my hand in public.
  5. He opens doors for me.
  6. He isn’t opposed to wearing a suit and tie on occasion.
  7. He plays the guitar.
  8. Etc.

Notice that all of the statements are in the present tense.  That’s very important.  I read this list everyday for a month or better and then I put it away.  I later met a man who had many of the qualities on the A-list and a few of the qualities on the B-list.  But because I had made this list while I wasn’t in a relationship, it made it easier for me to evaluate our relationship with my head and heart and not my feelings.  I ended that relationship because I recognized the old familiar feelings of not getting my needs met and he didn’t meet the criteria from my A-list.

I had decided to take my focus of a relationship and just enjoy being by myself (which I did).  Then a client of mine suggested that I meet a friend of hers.  She felt that we be a perfect match.  Now keep in mind, I hadn’t looked at my lists in quite a long while.  I decided that it okay to meet him and who knows, I may end up with a new friend.  Well much to my surprise, he had every quality on my A-list and all but one on the B-list (he doesn’t play the guitar).  I could not have picked a man as perfectly suited to me as he is.  I don’t believe that we found each other by sheer coincidence.  I had envisioned him long before I met him.  It just took some time for us to actually meet.

So what is the take home message here?  First, know exactly what it is that you want and need in a partner.  Make your list and envision that person in your life.  Always use the present tense when visualizing your partner.  And then live your life, knowing that he/she will find his/her way to you.  And in the meantime, focus on all that is good in life.

Wishing you much happiness and success.


  1. Very good post. I agree with you in that you should first know your wants and needs in a partner. Very good advice.

  2. I like your message because your A list focuses on qualities of compassion and honest caring and true loving from the heart. And acknowleding the importance of these are qualities has brought them out in yourself. When you value them in yourself, you can draw someone who has them and value them in someone else as well. And those A list qualities are what loving another person is all about. Bravo!

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